🌿 Everyone Is Speaking, Not Everyone Feels Heard

Have you ever noticed those moments when someone is talking to you, and you don't even realize they're talking to you?

The conversation usually goes something like this:

"Are you listening to me?"

"Huh?"

"What?"

"Wait... what did you say?"

Most of us laugh because we've all been there. Sometimes our minds wandered. Sometimes we were distracted. Sometimes we were physically present but mentally somewhere else entirely.

Communication isn't just words.

It's presence.

It's attention.

It's an effort.

And maybe most importantly, it's understanding.

Because those aren't all the same thing.

One of the most fascinating things about communication is that we don't simply hear words. We hear them through our own experiences.

The person speaking is communicating through their experiences, and the person listening is interpreting those words through their own.

That means the same sentence can create two completely different conversations.

What feels dismissive to one person might feel refreshingly direct to another.

What feels thoughtful to one person might feel passive to someone else.

Neither person necessarily intended harm.

They're simply speaking different emotional languages.

🌱 Our experiences begin shaping communication long before we ever speak our first words.

As babies, communication begins with need.

We cry.

We reach.

We search for comfort.

We learn, little by little, whether someone notices. Whether someone comes. Whether our needs are met.

I wish every story began with consistent love and safety. As a mother, I know how sacred that relationship can be.

But I also know that isn't everyone's story.

Some children learn very early that expressing a need doesn't always result in comfort. Others learn that emotions are welcomed. Some learn they're too much. Others learn they're not enough.

Before we ever learn vocabulary, we're already learning communication.

If we fast-forward to adulthood, we're surrounded by advice about becoming better communicators.

Maintain eye contact.

Watch your body language.

Use the right tone.

Practice active listening.

Those are all valuable skills.

But I don't think communication begins there.

I think it begins with awareness.

Not, "How do I sound?"

But, "Where am I speaking from?"

✨ Because communication has just as much to do with our nervous system as it does with our vocabulary.

Have you ever noticed how different a text message feels depending on the kind of day you're having?

Maybe you're exhausted.

Overwhelmed.

Frustrated.

You read someone's message and immediately feel hurt.

Then later, after a little food, a little rest, maybe a deep breath or two, you read the same message again.

Suddenly, you notice something you completely missed.

"Oh..."

"They apologized."

"They weren't criticizing me."

"That's not how I read it the first time."

Sometimes the conversation didn't change.

Your nervous system did.

(It's amazing what a nap and a snack can do for conflict resolution. We tend to underestimate both.)

Timing matters, too.

Imagine receiving a deeply emotional message in the middle of a hectic workday. You're rushing between meetings, your phone buzzes, and suddenly you're expected to have one of the most meaningful conversations of your week.

Most of us want to respond well.

But wanting to respond well and having the capacity to respond well aren't always the same thing.

Sometimes the timing isn't wrong because the relationship is wrong.

Sometimes the timing is simply... bad timing.

Our nervous systems are constantly asking one question:

Am I safe?

When a conversation feels important, a relationship, a difficult discussion, a job interview, an apology, a hard truth, our bodies often perceive risk.

This could go badly.

They might reject me.

I hope they understand what I mean.

Our heart rate changes.

Our breathing changes.

Our tone changes.

Sometimes we don't even realize it.

One nervous system begins speaking to another.

And long before words are fully processed, our bodies are already communicating.

🌿 This is why there is such a profound difference between being heard and being understood.

Someone can hear every word you say and completely miss your heart.

Someone can listen carefully and still misunderstand your intention.

Communication isn't simply about transferring information.

It's about two human beings trying to make sense of each other's experience.

And that is beautifully complicated.

Over the next few blogs, I'd love to explore this with you.

Not just how we communicate...

...but why do we communicate the way we do?

How our stories shape our conversations.

How our nervous systems influence our words.

Why do assumptions happen so easily?

And how understanding ourselves may be one of the most important steps toward understanding each other.

Because maybe the goal isn't becoming a perfect communicator.

Maybe it's becoming a little more curious about the person sitting across from us.

And a little more compassionate toward the one within us.

Honoring your healing, and rooting for your growth.

Anique
Founder, Sanctum & Soil