Part 3: Regulation Isn’t Routine — It’s Responsiveness

Many of us grew up hearing:

• “Stick to a routine.”

• “Just try harder.”

• “If you can’t control it, you’re failing.”

If you’re neurodivergent, such as ADHD, OCD, or being highly sensitive, or another neurodivergent diagnosis, this advice often feels like punishment disguised as guidance.

Here’s the truth: regulation isn’t about routines or willpower. It’s about responsiveness.

Why Rigid Routines Often Fail Neurodivergent Adults

Routines work for some, but for many neurodivergent nervous systems:

• Predictability can feel suffocating

• Transitions can trigger overwhelm

• Unexpected events can feel catastrophic

• “Discipline” can feel like self-criticism

Your nervous system doesn’t thrive on control. It thrives on safety, adaptability, and presence.

Science Spotlight: Dopamine, Threat, and Motivation

• ADHD brains: dopamine fluctuations make motivation inconsistent; forcing routine can trigger guilt, not productivity

• OCD and anxious systems: heightened threat detection can make rigid rituals feel temporarily soothing but ultimately draining

• Highly sensitive systems: overstimulation narrows the window of tolerance, so rigid plans can create pressure instead of safety

Bottom line: Regulation tools must meet your system where it actually is, not where you think it “should” be.

Practical Tools for Responsive Regulation

Instead of rigid routines, try menu-style regulation—choices your nervous system can actually receive:

1. Short, body-based resets

   • 5–10 breaths, gentle movement, or sensory input

   • Can be done anywhere, anytime

2. Check in before action

   • Ask: Is my system safe enough to focus?

   • Adjust environment or expectations before pushing through

3. Permission-based regulation

   • Allow yourself to rest, move, or pause without shame

   • Validate your nervous system’s needs instead of ignoring them

4. Flexible cues

   • Visual, auditory, or tactile reminders that support calm

   • Example: soft lighting, grounding objects, scheduled micro-breaks

Reframing “Discipline”

Responsive regulation isn’t a failure.
It’s skill-building.
It’s listening to your body and nervous system, and then acting with compassion.

Over time, your system learns:

“I’m safe. I’m supported. I can return to balance.”

For Parents: Teaching Responsiveness Early

Children who weren’t taught how to respond to their nervous system often grow into adults who fight or ignore it.

Teaching responsiveness can start in small ways:

• Name the sensation: “I see your body is overwhelmed.”

• Offer options: “Do you want to take a walk or sit quietly?”

• Model self-regulation: children learn by watching calm, adaptive adults

The goal isn’t perfection, it’s building a nervous system that knows it’s safe enough to respond instead of react.

Next Up: Reparenting Regulation — Learning What You Were Never Taught

The final post in this series will focus on helping adults reclaim regulation skills they never received as children—and do so without shame or forcing themselves into someone else’s “normal.”

Rooting for your growth and honoring your nervous system, always.
Anique
Founder, Sanctum & Soil